About a month ago, a book fell into my lap at the exact moment that I needed it. It's called The Letter Q and it's a collection of letters that queer writers have written to their younger selves. My sister had gotten it out of the library and so I started reading a letter or two when I was upset or just had a free moment. I didn't get to read them all before it had to be returned but it helped. I'll borrow it again some time and finish soaking in the loveliness.
Inspired by that, and with the theme of my post on the 1st about having this blog for over five years, I present a letter to young Alex.
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Dear Younger Me,
I want you to let go of that vision you have of yourself at eighteen, driving a convertible around in no particular direction with your long, straight hair blowing in the wind. Let it go right now because it's never going to happen. This is because halfway through being eighteen you decide to chop your hair off and leave it in a plastic bag in your closet for six months (sorry, Maddy!).
The main part will be fulfilled. You will drive a convertible, your hair will blow in the wind when you're not restraining it with a hat and you will be on a grand adventure. It will not be a spontaneous joy ride--it will be a trip from point A to point B, from Away to Home. But this will be better because 1. you are in love with the feeling of coming home, almost as much as you love the feeling of heading away on a journey and, 2. joy riding is an inexcusable way to emit carbon.
What I'm trying to say that it won't turn out how you planned. You have to try to be okay with that. Learn to love it. I know you're that kid who organizes the children's paperbacks at the library by author and series but sometimes the librarians don't have time to keep up with you and other kids aren't as astute and you're going to have to deal with that.
This goes for people, too. You probably haven't read Paper Towns yet but I'll give you a preview: "Just remember that sometimes the way you think about a person isn't the way they actually are." The thing about people is that they are complex. Duh. You get this feeling sometimes when you're sitting in traffic or overlooking a moving crowd. Everyone is going somewhere different and they all have problems and unique things that make them smile and you will never know all of their stories. The sooner you figure out how to apply this wonder to the people nearest you, the better.
You will never know what it is like to be anyone but you. Right now, you enjoy this. You are working so hard to distinguish yourself from everyone else that you forget that everyone is just as unique as you. Don't worry about this fact diminishing your personal identity. There is enough room for everyone. I promise.
Eventually, you'll get to a place where you can be a part of a group without surrendering yourself. You'll loosen up your expectations of people and you won't be so disappointed all the time. Sometimes, you'll be surprised by how unexpectedly awesome people (and the world) can be. Once you let go of those plans you've been clutching in your white knuckled fists, you'll leave so much more space for other fantastic things to fall into your palms.
For example, that convertible I told you that you'd be driving at eighteen? It's a freaking Smart Car. (How cool is that?!)
Love always,
You from the future
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