how to lose and cry trying (too much?)

I'm not sure exactly when BEDA hit my consciousness this year but it was realistically in the last 48 hours. BEDA? A voice in my head seemed to say. Right, that thing that sparked this huge part of my life avalanching off in its own uncontrollable direction. It's April tomorrow. I guess it's time to blog every day for thirty days.

And now here we are. I almost forgot you BEDA, after getting home from a raucous night of partying with the Social Justice Film Society members, eating tiramisu and playing checkers that ceased to resemble the game of checkers. Ah, nine-year-olds, you have taught me so much about losing.

You see, I was always a competitive child. I tried to hide it, stifle its shameful urges for gloating and a generally bad attitude. Coupled with my competitive nature was a sensitivity that has seen me leave many movie theaters with tear stained cheeks. I'm a middle child and an emotional one at that.

Which brings me to Monopoly*. I have played many games of Monopoly that have ended in tears from myself and every other game of Monopoly I played ended in me winning (at least, until recently when I did not win Monopoly and also didn't cry**. Personal progress for the win.). Thinking about it as deeply as I can bear to, it wasn't so much that I was sad not to be winning so much as despair at the general unfairness.

Like, I didn't ask to be the one to roll last and have to land on everyone else's property before being about to purchase one of my own and a railroad at that***. I didn't ask for my little sister to shove a hundred dollar bill at me in charity. That's pitiful. That's sad. Who wants to be a charity case?

But tonight, I was able to set it all aside. I was able to shove away my ego and play checkers with someone who had different rules than I did. I was able to lose gracefully (and sometimes purposefully) and though it wasn't the most thrilling time of my life, it was a good moment. I mean, yes, I was playing with a nine-year-old girl and yes, I didn't exactly fight to the death to win but I was able to see it for what it was. A game.

And life... goes on.

*Monopoly, in case you did not know, can be traced back to the original creator Elizabeth J. Magie Phillips who created a Monopoly like game called The Landlord's Game to demonstrate the pitfalls of capitalism.

**I almost cried of *happiness* when I finally landed on the one property that I really wanted. But those would have been tears of *happiness*.

***I have contempt for railroads. After you have them all, there is no building potential. Unless someone is already significantly downtrodden, you cannot win a game and bankrupt another person with a railroad. And all I think about is bankrupting my friends.