"what's your name anyway?"

It's just a name. I want to say I don't understand why it's such a big deal but I do. People aren't their names, yet we're certainly very attached to them. We take on the symbols and labels we have--some are chosen, some are assigned to us. They become us and we become them. So it goes.

Around the time of my eighteenth birthday, I started to play with this idea. I wanted to try being not-Alex. I was ideally situated at the beginning of a two month road trip, travelling to places where no one (save for my three companions) knew my name.

I went for it. I started to introduce myself as Lexi to our Couchsurfing hosts (I was persuaded the 'i' was better than a 'y' like I wanted). It was hard because I wasn't completely unknown, travelling with my mom and sisters. It's not the best for your name change when you introduce yourself as Lexi and then your mom tells a story about this girl named Alex and no one knows that it's you. Even when my mom referred to me as Lexi, it felt somehow wrong. I didn't like the way it sounded in her mouth.

The other thing that bothered me was how close it was to my mom's name, Leslie. I would have chosen Lex but my sister and I decided if you were going to change your name you should do more than drop a letter.

Anyway, it didn't really work. Starting school in September with a boy named Alex that everyone knew, I decided to try again. It bothered me to turn around whenever I heard someone say Alex and realize that nine out of ten times, they weren't talking to/about me.* "I'm Lexi," I said. "My name is Lexi."

The weirdest part was hearing people use it. The "Hey Lexi"s were strange for quite a while--still kind of are. I was surprised at how easy it was, though, surprised that no one questioned it. I shouldn't have been, but I was. I felt like everyone should have been able to tell that Lexi wasn't my real name. As far as I know, they couldn't.

After a couple months, I decided I didn't really like it. I didn't hate it but I also didn't feel like Lexi and Lexi didn't feel like me. I gave myself an adjustment period but it wasn't sticking. I kind of gave up on it a bit, introducing myself to new groups as Alex again. Then all hell broke loose.

Do you know how annoying it is when people start an interaction with you by saying, "What's your name anyway? I'm so confused,"?????

It's pretty fucking annoying. Excuse my language. It's one thing if someone asks you what you prefer to be called, or which name you want to go by, but to have someone tell you that your multiple names CONFUSE them? Annoying as fuck. I feel like the appropriate response is, "Do I look like I care that you're confused?" Because, for the most part, I do not. I'm not yet the girl that would say that with attitude when confronted, whether you call me Alex or Lexi or Axel. Maybe one day.

I want to relate this to gender expression and those who get asked to clarify their gender on a regular basis but I don't know how to do it in a respectful way. I'm not saying that my struggle with this is on the same level as anyone whose gender is regularly questioned. I guess I just wanted to say I'm sorry that happens to people because my instinct reaction is to hit someone or curl into a ball. And that sucks.

I'm transitioning back to Alex in a slow, mellow way. The most amusing part of this story was that a girl named Lexie joined my (tiny) school last week. It goes to show that you can change your name to avoid confusion but in the end, it is futile. I don't know what's happening now. I don't police people using my name/s. As long as I realize you're talking about me, I don't really care.

Maybe that's weird. Maybe I should care more about the four letters that are supposed to represent me. But I don't. What.

*I still do this. It turns out it's hard to not react when you hear your name. I do also respond to Lexi, though, so that's progress.